A mother’s Calloused Hands

 

I noticed the other day in church that my hands have aged in the past few years. I have noticed that they are calloused, the lines are deeper, the scars are more noticeable and they ache from time to time. All I could do was smile.

 I smiled at the fact that I have calloused hands, my hands have been involved in so many great things. I see the calluses from washing them so many times after taking care of a sick child, bearing the cold winters buckling my kids into their car seats, securing wheelchairs into a bus so I can bring clients on outings and dry from working all day with paperwork to support my family. I see scars from playing with my brother and sister when I was younger, climbing trees and building with my dad in his shop. One of my fingers is bigger than the rest from jamming it so hard, and some don’t move as well as they used too from Colorguard in high school. The memories flood back as I look at each finger, each knuckle, each palm, and at each wrinkle.

 We think about where we have been and what we have done as a whole, but have you ever taken a moment to look down, look at your hands. Where have they been, what have they done. Some of us may not like the answer as it might be that we have hurt someone, we might have caused harm. But we also might see that we have used them to put a bandage on someone’s wounds and carried someone to safety. Then used those same hands to hug and console them in hard times. Our hands are one of the most powerful parts of our body.

 “The final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands” – Anne Frank

Motherhood= Amazing

 

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a mommy. I had many baby dolls and would take care of them as if they were my own.  I would pay attention to my mother and what she did for me, so I could be a better mommy to my “babies.” I would read to them, take them on car trips, and put them to bed right next to me. My babies were my everything.

I learned a lot over the years listening to my mother and what she would teach other parents. She was a Parent Educator for ECFE and was my biggest resource. “I got to grow up with a mother who taught me to believe in me.” Antonio Villaraigosa.

 Now, many years later I have two children and one angel of my own. June 23, 2009 I was blessed with Sam. He is four and very energetic.  I miscarried on May 5^th, 2010 with our 2^nd child…their due date was Nov 8^th, 2010. On Nov 26^th, 2011 I was blessed again with another child, Emily. She is 1 and likes to be the center of attention. My kids are my world. I watch my kids grow and play together and find peace in my own life by just being with them. I watch Emily play with my “babies” as I once did when I was little. She holds my first baby as I did and gives it kisses and takes care of it. My heart melts. Sam is my true boy. He loves his cars, trucks, and “boy” stuff, but he has a heart of gold. He shows his love through hugs, kisses, and snuggles.

Sam, started preschool where they read a book called “The Kissing Hand.” This book has a very interesting concept. It is about a mother and a child, the child is scared to be away from his mother. The mom then takes the child’s hand, kisses it and tells the child to keep her kiss in his hand to keep her special. She will always be with him as long as he remembers her kiss on his hand. The child then takes his mom’s hand and kisses hers. She will now keep him special to her. Sam explained this story to me and now every night, he takes my hand, kisses it and tells me to keep him special. If he only knew how special he and his sister are to me.

 Parenting and being a mother is amazing, but I could never do it without my husband. “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” Theodore Hesburgh. Steve is very supported of me and our children. He is an amazing father and understands that we have different strengths as parents. I am a “caregiver” a push-over at times. Steve is the disciplinarian; the kids respect this part of him. We make a good team and learn each day how to be better parents through each other.

 I am very proud to be a mother and as much as my children drive me crazy some days, I could never find another job that I can love as much as I do as being a mother.

 

Influences

 

Back in 1997 I started a new activity that I never thought would change and help in forming my life from that point on. My sister had shown me what Colorguard was and she taught me how to spin a flag in my front yard. When I became old enough I joined the school’s Colorguard team. It was the most trying and rewarding time in my life.
The coach we had at the time was not very nice to new students. I was learning and she was not willing to help me. That year my emotions and physical strength had been exhausted and I quit after the first month. I was really sad as this was something that I knew that I could do, and I just needed support and leadership to do it. The next year, I joined again. “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.” Bill Cosby The previous coach was gone and we had an Amazing leader-Rob. He was fun and made the activity fun- he let us be ourselves and let us try new things. He made our competition all about us and what we wanted to do. It was amazing.

Not only did I learn how to spin a flag, jazz run, dance and learn about what my body can do. I made friends, and lots of them! The friends I met 15 years ago are still my best friends today. “A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.”
Jim Morrison

As I went through High School I had more coaches that came and left. At one point we got Carrie and Heather. They were tough on us and wanted us to be the best that we could be. I was a little shit sometimes because I thought I was the best and didn’t want to listen. They never gave up on me. I found out that I can always be better than I am the day before and that these two women really did know what they were talking about. Once my senior year came I had the honor of being a captain. I took on this leadership role with seriousness as I had classmates that continued the attitude that I had taught them the years prior. I tried to help my classmates change their attitude as I did, and encourage the new students that had come to join our team.

As my last high school performance came, I was in tears just thinking about everything I had gone through and everyone that was there for me. My colorguard friends had become my family and had been there for my first kiss, my first Chipotle Burrito, my first car, my parents’ divorce, and soon…graduation. Colorguard was who I was, I was nothing without this activity- It was something that I could throw myself into when things were tough, and play around with when things were good.

After graduation I knew that I had to find somewhere that I could continue my dream, my life. I joined Chops, Inc and had the time of my life. Rob was my coach once again and this time instead of teaching me how to spin- he was teaching me harder and more skilled execution of my flag, rifle, and saber. He taught me how to act and use my body to show emotion. I met more friends and had the chance to travel around the Midwest.

The next year I knew that Chops was not in the cards for me as I was busy with life and in college. I had the opportunity to work at Andover High School with my old coach Laura. We had a blast, I was able to take the skills that I had learned over the years and was able to teach students everything that I knew. I was now on the opposite side of the floor and watching these students grow just like I had so many years ago.

The past 3 years I have had the honor to be coaching at Simley High School. The colorguard works alongside the marching band and only performs in the summer and does parades- which works better with my family life. The students that I have met and said goodbye to over the past years have been amazing. We have had tough times and attitudes that a saint couldn’t handle, but I have watched some of these students grow into leaders, into amazing young people that are going to do amazing things. I have watched their friendships blossom just like mine did 15 years ago. “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am privilege to have the opportunity to work with young people at their most vulnerable time in their lives. I am teaching them not only what they can do with their hands and bodies, but what they can do when they put their mind to it.  We talk about life, love, and losses that they go through and how to overcome these in positive ways. Colorguard is a family, a unit that no one will ever understand unless you have had the chance to be in it yourself.

 

 

It’s Okay to be alone

The definition of Alone:

• Having no one else present; on one’s own. (Google)
• Being apart from others; solitary. (Free Dictionary)
• Being without anyone else; only. (Free Dictionary)

 

The world encourages you to surround yourself with other people. Specifically people that support you in your everyday life, I completely agree…but I also believe in being alone.

As a child, I enjoyed playing with my friends, my siblings and anyone that would play with me. But I always needed my time to “recharge.” I needed time to process the day, process my thoughts and just have time not to have to listen to anyone. I would take my “babies” and play in my room, or ride my bike by myself up and down the alley. My mother never said anything about my “alone” time as she understood how important it is in my development.

I still find alone time extremely necessary in my life. As a person who struggles with Anxiety my mind races so fast sometimes that I don’t actually know what I am thinking or what step should be taken next. Taking a minute to breath, to relax, and to process is essential.  I enjoy taking time playing mindless games on the computer, or reading a silly book, or taking a bubble bath. My family understands that I need alone time and respect it as much as I respect their time.

My kids are extremely important to my life and I love listening to their stories and what they have to say… which sometimes is never ending! They are now starting to understand “alone” time and cherish the time that they can be alone to process the day.  Sam will talk the entire way home from daycare, but once he gets home he takes a couple minutes in the playroom by himself, or will sit on the couch looking at a book. It is only for a few minutes, but I know he needs his time. When he is ready to talk, he will approach me. Emily is the same. If it is a busy day or lots of people around, she needs her time, whether it is in her room, the playroom, or outside, she likes to be alone for a few minutes to gain her space back and be able to conquer the world again. It is great to see my kids as social butterflies, but it is great to see that they know the importance of being alone, and able to calm themselves and process the thoughts that they are learning every day.

Whether you are young or old, we all need our time. Yes, social contact is important as we need people to hear us, to actually actively listen to what we have to say. But we can’t be an active listener or conversationalist if our minds are filled with thoughts of the day and continue to race. Take your time, so you can be a better listener, spouse, parent, sibling, or friend.

Listen to me in silence, let the peoples renew their strength; let them approach, then let them speak; let us draw near together  

Isaiah 41:1

Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

 

 

Where to go from here?

Sometimes you have the best days. Your children cuddle in your bed in the morning; you have time to actually take your time getting ready, and are productive while having fun all day.

Then you get a phone call. A phone call that changes everything. You see, people come and go in our lives and we accept that. I found this quote that seems to sum it all up: “You want to come in my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Just one request, don’t stand in the door, you’re blocking the traffic.”

We have to live our lives as God wants us to; we need to live in the present and prepare for the future and not dwell in the past. We have people that we have said “goodbye” to and have accepted the fact that they will never be a part of our lives again. We have accepted what they have done in the past that has hurt us, never can again because we have said those “goodbyes.” Our grieving is over for the loss of them and we have moved on. “You will never find peace until you learn to finally let go of the hatred and hurt that lives in your heart.” Melchor Lim.

 Then they call and ask if they can become a part of your life again. What are we supposed to think? God has finally given us the strength to move on, to accept the things we cannot change and we now have the wisdom to know the difference. (Serenity Prayer) But what are we supposed to do now? Do we open our doors again? Do we accept that they want to be part of our life?

As Christians the simple answer is “yes.” Yes, we let them into our lives and back into our hearts. We forgive them for what they have done and listen to their story, to their explanation. We teach through actions that we can forgive and be accepting. But as humans, it is hard. It is scary; it’s scary because we don’t know whether we will be hurt again or not. Is this for real? Or is there something more to this story?

So what is the next step? The only thing I can think of is to pray. Take time to talk to God to see what he has planned. Advice is only words lived by other people’s situations, advice can be great, but everyone situation is different. Everyone has their own path. It is when those paths are under construction that it gives us the most trouble.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Phil 4:13:

Life, Love, and Loss

It is amazing how much we take for granted our lives, until you lose something that you can never get back.  I spent some time last night talking to someone that had lost a piece of themselves. I met with my friend Savannah last night for the expo that we are planning. But beyond that, we had a great conversation about life, love and loss. I lost a baby at 12 weeks and she lost hers at 34 weeks. Although I have always felt that I should not as be as “emotional” or feel as much of an attachment as she would have or other mother’s in her situation. But Savannah reassured me that I can have just as much connection with my baby as she did with hers.

Everyone situation is different and the gift of life is one that only Christ can give us. Christ gave Steve and I a child in the midst of chaos in our life. Sam was only about a year old and we were pregnant. We didn’t know what to do and at about 10 weeks I was finally able to accept the fact that we are having another child. Although I had accepted it, I still felt that something was wrong; I got out my Mayo Clinic Book and looked up miscarriages. I think God was trying to prepare me for what was about to happen. The day I was 12 weeks, I went to the doctor as I was convinced something was up.  I heard the baby’s heartbeat- as strong as can be; he felt my ever-growing belly and said that everything seemed fine. At that point I felt better, but still thought something could be wrong.  At 5am the next morning I woke up in labor; I didn’t realize what was happening, I thought I just had to go to the bathroom. I went the bathroom and miscarried. At a point that I could, I went upstairs, woke up Steve and started balling. I had to run back to the bathroom as I was bleeding out.  I saw the baby and the baby’s sac that protected it for the 12 weeks of life that it lived inside of me.

We called my dad- as he is the only person we know who is up at 5am; we told him we need to come over. All he said was “I will be right there.” No questions asked, I think he knew something with the baby had gone wrong, Christ gave him strength on the drive over to be our support at this time. Steve took me to the ER and once there they had to do an Ultrasound. They didn’t turn the sound on, we knew the baby was completely gone and my body had released every part of the pregnancy. No D&C was needed. I had to stay for a few hours for observation. My mother called while we were in the hospital. My dad had called her, our daycare, and my work. He was continuing to be our strength as we could not have made those phone calls without emotions taking us over.

The fall season always reminds of the baby that I never had. My due date was Nov 16^th. It was May 6^th that I miscarried.

Christ has taught me to be patient with body and listen to my “Mommy” instincts even though they might take some convincing for people to believe me.  But only I know what I am feeling.

When Sam was two and half Christ gave us a beautiful Rainbow baby. Emily is my rainbow after the storm, and has completed our family.

Since this loss, Sam has prayed for his “brother,” I asked him where his brother is, he told me “he is in heaven,” and just smiled at me.  Of course, I started to cry. Sam comforted me the best way a four year old knows how- he gave me the biggest hug. I didn’t know the sex of the baby as it was too early to find out, but Sam knows that he had a brother and I will continue to pray for my unborn child.

 “But Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not try to stop them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'” 

– Matthew 19:14